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New jokes appreciated

Oct 2, 2009
1,803
1,394
61
Fulwood Lancs
A bloke walks into a pub & sees a man sitting down having a pint with a dog by his side:
'Is your dog friendly mate ?'
'Sure is'
So the bloke goes over to stroke the dog who then proceeds to savage him.
'I thought you said your dog was friendly !!!!'
'He is, that's not my dog'.
 
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Jan 5, 2011
53
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The longest walks into a bar joke ever ...

An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar.

Sorry, says the barman, I can’t let you in here without a Thai.
 

AdelaideGreen

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Jan 11, 2017
1,506
460
Guy walks into a travel agent. After perusing the brochures of Rhodes, Corfu and the like he orders a Grecian holiday.

Was rather disappointed with St James Park!!
 
Jun 28, 2006
860
924
Plymouth
A lady approaches a priest and says to him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing".

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, Hi, we're prostitutes. D'ya wanna have some fun?"

"That's terrible!!" exclaimed the priest,
"but I have a solution to your problem.
Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and will learn to praise and worship instead."

"Thank you!" the woman responded.

The next day, the lady brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady put her female parrots in with the male parrots and the females immediately said "Hi,we're prostitutes. D'ya wanna have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims...





"Put them beads away Frank, our prayers have been answered!"
 
Oct 2, 2009
1,803
1,394
61
Fulwood Lancs
A newlywed couple lay in bed on their wedding night;

The bride turns to her husband with a confession "I really should have told you sooner but I used to be a hooker"

The groom thinks for a moment then says "You should have told me, but actually I find that quite erotic, tell me more about it"

Relieved, she said 'Okay well my name was Brian and I played for Wigan Warriors"