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- Thread starter mervyn
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I did a pub quiz in Liverpool the other day. I didn't know any of the answers, so I just put The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for all the questions. I came second.
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Found a Exeter city season ticket nailed to a tree. Thought I'm having that, afterall you can't have to many nails can ya
As a plane is about to crash a woman jumps up and shouts if I am going to die I want to die feeling like a woman.
She strips all her clothes off and shouts is there any man who can make me feel a woman.
A bloke stands up and removed his shirt, passes it to her and says here Iron this.
She strips all her clothes off and shouts is there any man who can make me feel a woman.
A bloke stands up and removed his shirt, passes it to her and says here Iron this.
I accidentally drank an invisibility potion.
I went to the ER, and took 5 hours to be seen.
I should have gone to the ICU.
I went to the ER, and took 5 hours to be seen.
I should have gone to the ICU.
A woman buys one of those very long haired German dogs, and is advised by the vet to buy a special cream to apply to its ears which will keep the ears free from hair and enable it to hear instructions from the owner. The cream he recommends is for human use and available from chemists.
As she’s buying it the chemist says “you must be careful, this is strong stuff. What part of your face are you using it for?” “Oh no” she says. “It’s for my schnowzer”. “In that case”, he says, “Don’t try and ride your bike for 2 weeks”.
As she’s buying it the chemist says “you must be careful, this is strong stuff. What part of your face are you using it for?” “Oh no” she says. “It’s for my schnowzer”. “In that case”, he says, “Don’t try and ride your bike for 2 weeks”.
Two nudists at a Nudist Literature Festival.
1st nudist, ‘ have you read Marx?’
2nd nudist, ‘yes, it’s these cane chairs’.
1st nudist, ‘ have you read Marx?’
2nd nudist, ‘yes, it’s these cane chairs’.
Karl Marx is an historically renowned figure, revered by many for his political and philosophical theory but nobody mentions his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place....
First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend"....
Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool"......
Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her".....
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal"....?
Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block!
First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend"....
Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool"......
Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her".....
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal"....?
Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block!
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind?
Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving
What's the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs.
Courtesy of Brendan O'Carroll (Mrs Brown)
Snowballs.
Courtesy of Brendan O'Carroll (Mrs Brown)
Man goes to doctor and says … “I think I’ve got something badly wrong with me doc – it feels like I’ve got a lettuce stuck up my backside”
The doctor examines him then says ….. “I got some bad news – That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
PS … The first time I wrote that I put ‘cabbage’ rather than lettuce ….. Remind me never to try stand-up 😊.
The doctor examines him then says ….. “I got some bad news – That’s just the tip of the iceberg.”
PS … The first time I wrote that I put ‘cabbage’ rather than lettuce ….. Remind me never to try stand-up 😊.
My doctor told me that at my time of life, it’s ok to play with myself whenever I feel like it. Well, what he actually said was “at your age, you can have a stroke at any time!”
