Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself. If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.
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New jokes appreciated
- Thread starter mervyn
- Start date
I have a suntanning addiction, but I only go on holiday in winter. I went cold Turkey last year.
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Viagra - it won’t make you James Bond, but it will make you Roger Moore
I went to the doctor about my foot infection. She told me to put on a clean pair of socks every day. By the end of the week I couldn't get my shoes on.
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Life is like a sheet of toilet paper.. one day you're on a roll the next your taking crap off an a**hole
An old man walks into a church, and goes for a confession. The priest pulls back the window, and the old man says: "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I am 80 years old and I was walking home from the library the other day and two college girls stopped their car and said they were on spring break and needed directions. We got into a discussion and they offered to drive me home. On the way one of them asked me the last time I'd had sex and I told them it had been years and she said would I like to have some fun. The three of us had the most amazing time for two nights and the day between and that's why I've come to confession."
And the priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"
And the old man says, "Actually, this is the first time."
And the priest says, "You're 80 years old and you’ve never been here before? How come?"
And the old man says, "Because I'm Jewish."
And the priest asks, "In that case, why are you telling me?"
And the old man says, "Because I'm telling everybody!"
And the priest asks, "When was the last time you went to confession?"
And the old man says, "Actually, this is the first time."
And the priest says, "You're 80 years old and you’ve never been here before? How come?"
And the old man says, "Because I'm Jewish."
And the priest asks, "In that case, why are you telling me?"
And the old man says, "Because I'm telling everybody!"
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I spent all last week trying jokes about carpentry but none of them wood work.
A farmer buys a new bull for his herd, very expensive. He lets the bull into the field with his cows but the bull is completely disinterested. He speaks to his neighbour who recommends a new vet he had heard of being very good.
He calls out the vet who examines the bull and declares him a perfect specimen and hands the farmer some giant gobstopper sized pills. " Give him one of these a day until he starts to perform."
The next day the Bull is covering cows left right and centre. the farmer is delighted. A few days later he sees his neighbour who asks about the bull.
"He's great", says the first farmer. "The vet gave him some amazing pills and he is fantastic."
The second farmer asks the name of the pills.
" No idea" says the first farmer, "but they taste of peppermint."
He calls out the vet who examines the bull and declares him a perfect specimen and hands the farmer some giant gobstopper sized pills. " Give him one of these a day until he starts to perform."
The next day the Bull is covering cows left right and centre. the farmer is delighted. A few days later he sees his neighbour who asks about the bull.
"He's great", says the first farmer. "The vet gave him some amazing pills and he is fantastic."
The second farmer asks the name of the pills.
" No idea" says the first farmer, "but they taste of peppermint."
What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot. A kangaroo is an Australian marsupial, whilst a kangaroot is a geordie stuck in a lift!
Absolutely disgusting behaviour I saw on the beach earlier. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began assaulting the copper AND his wife!
Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages...
Then out of nowhere a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages...
