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memory man

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Masked armed robber walks into a bank and asks the teller to empty the tills into his bag. His mask slips. He asks the customer next to him, "Did you see my face?" When the fellah says "yes" he shoots him dead. Same thing happens to a second customer. He asks the same question of a third customer - "Did you see my face?" "No" says the bloke, "but my missus did".
 

ping g5

🌟Sparksy Mural🌟
Dec 20, 2005
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I was in a supermarket looking for syrup. It was in the reduced aisle.
 

Ottawa Green

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🏆 Callum Wright 23/24
Cream First
Jam First
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Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. "What did the doctor say?" the victim cries. "He says you're gonna die."
 

Ottawa Green

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Behind every angry woman is a man who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong.

Some people say their wedding was the best day of their lives.

– I’m guessing they’ve never had two candy bars fall out of the vending machine simultaneously.



My partner told me I was rude for yawning when we were arguing.
– I told them I wasn’t yawning, I thought it was my turn to speak.



What do a wife and a grenade have in common?

– They both leave you hurt when you pull off the ring.

Which one of your kids will never grow up and move out of the house?

– Your husband.
 

German Shepherd

🚑 Steve Hooper
Oct 2, 2009
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Fulwood Lancs
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down.

She turns to the man sitting next to her and
says "That nasty driver just insulted me!"

The man says "No worries love, you go and give him a good telling off. l'll hold your monkey for you."
 

memory man

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Not really a joke, but funny nevertheless. I was talking to a passenger yesterday at the Southampton cruise terminal. He was returning from a Norwegian Fjords cruise. I asked how it went. "Well, as you can imagine yhe scenery was breathtaking", he said, " but the outstanding memory has to be of a fellow passenger and his wife joining our table for dinner first night out. Just after they sat down he enquired of the company 'What time do these northern lights get turned on?' "