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New jokes appreciated

Aug 13, 2009
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I went to the zoo yesterday and an elephant dropped dead right in front of me.
His keeper was inconsolable.
I said "You must have been very close to him," he replied "No but I've got to bury him!"
 
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Reactions: German Shepherd
Mar 30, 2005
116
99
76
Perth, Western Australia
Something to think about:
A young couple moved into a new house.
The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside.
"That laundry is not very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better soap powder.
Her husband looked on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.
A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she’s finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"
The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."
And so it is with life… What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
So don’t be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled desires.
"Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
 

Lousy Pint

Jam First
Sep 23, 2005
2,025
868
Milano
'Doctor, doctor, I've accidentally cut all of my fingers off.'

'You should have brought them with you, I could have sewn them back on.'

'I would've , but I couldn't pick them up!'
 

memory man

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Nov 28, 2011
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Romsey
Bloke in the mess room at tea break with a crossword book. Shouts across the room: "Nine across, fizzy drink eight letters'. Someone calls back: "Pity its not the clue for seven up, the answer would have been lemonade."
 

Biggs

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🌟Sparksy Mural🌟
Feb 14, 2010
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Plymouth/London
I went to the book shop today and asked the assistant if they had anything on turtles.

'Hardback?', she replied.

'Yes' I replied. 'With tiny little heads'.
 
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May 22, 2006
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Bloody hell, just had an altercation outside Tesco!
This gang of kids outside asked me to get 20 Richmonds for them. Said they'd give me the money when I came out.
I came out, handed them over and they scarpered!

They can buy their own bleddy sausages next time.
 

AdelaideGreen

🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺🇦🇺
Jan 11, 2017
1,397
393
Bloody hell, just had an altercation outside Tesco!
This gang of kids outside asked me to get 20 Richmonds for them. Said they'd give me the money when I came out.
I came out, handed them over and they scarpered!

They can buy their own bleddy sausages next time.
Good job they didn't ask for voopoo (vapes)

 
Dec 30, 2004
3,873
744
Brighton
This is a stupid person joke that I actually made up myself 50 years or so ago, which a few years later I saw in a book of stupid person jokes. (Everyone has to be the first one to make up a joke, and I suppose I was that person in this instance, to my subsequent and more enlightened embarrassment.) You can probably guess who the stupid person was 50 years ago...

A stupid person was swimming the Channel for charity, but halfway across he got so tired that he turned around and swam all the way back.
 
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