I've just been watching the women's golf. It's just like real life, hopeless at driving but great with the iron.
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- Apr 25, 2016
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I've recently learned the difference between some of the Arab statesā¦
Qatar don't show the Flintstones on TV, but Abu Dhabi do.
Qatar don't show the Flintstones on TV, but Abu Dhabi do.
Chap walks in the pub. āWhat would you like?ā asks the landlord. āIād like a Guinness pleaseā says the chap. Whilst heās drinking it the landlord says āthatās Ā£4 pleaseā. āIām not paying thatā, he replies. āYou asked me what Iād like, and I told you, but I didnāt order itā.
The landlord is furious, but another drinker comes over and says āheās right you know. Iām a contracts lawyer, and he didnāt order it, so thereās no contract. You gave him a giftā .
The landlord is really angry, and orders the customer out of his pub, āand donāt ever returnā. Two minutes later the same chap walks back in. āI thought I told you never to returnā, he says. āBut Iāve never ever been here beforeā , says the customer. āWellā says the landlord, āin that case you must have a doubleā. āLovelyā, says the customer, āIāll have a scotch pleaseā.
The landlord is furious, but another drinker comes over and says āheās right you know. Iām a contracts lawyer, and he didnāt order it, so thereās no contract. You gave him a giftā .
The landlord is really angry, and orders the customer out of his pub, āand donāt ever returnā. Two minutes later the same chap walks back in. āI thought I told you never to returnā, he says. āBut Iāve never ever been here beforeā , says the customer. āWellā says the landlord, āin that case you must have a doubleā. āLovelyā, says the customer, āIāll have a scotch pleaseā.
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My grandchildren keep finding Christmas presents that I've hidden around the house.
Someone suggested putting them in the attic but they just keep crying and complaining about the dark and spiders!!
To my neighbors, I don't mean to be a Grinch, however.... to those of you who are placing Christmas lights/decorations in your yards, please avoid using anything with Red or Blue flashing lights all together!! Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police. I have to break hard, toss my whiskey & coke out the window, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, extinguish my joint, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive. It's just too much drama, even for Christmas. Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.
Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Chap boards a plane for New York and finds himself sitting next to the most gorgeous woman heās ever seen. However sheās so totally engrossed in a book she barely notices him. When just about to land she finally puts down her book, turns to him and says ā sorry to have ignored you, but Iām an anthropologist and Iāve just been reading the most fascinating book on the relative size of penises around the world. For example itās been interesting to learn that the men with the longest penises are from Poland, whilst those with the thickest are American red indiansā.
āThatās amazingā, says the chap, āand please allow me to introduce myself ā Tonto Kanchevskiā .
āThatās amazingā, says the chap, āand please allow me to introduce myself ā Tonto Kanchevskiā .
My dad drowned at sea, so at his funeral we gave him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. It's what he would have wanted.
At pilot training school they are giving a class for new aspiring pilots.
Trainer: So, what do you do if all your engines fail?
Trainee 1: Look out of the cockpit for a suitable landing field and glide toward it
Trainer: Good answer. But what if this happens at night
The room is silent
Trainer: Got you! Okay, the answer is that your altimeter should still work. Wait until you are 100 metres above ground level and turn your landing lights on. They are battery powered and will still work. Then using your lights, look for a suitable landing site and choose the one that you like best.
Trainee 2: What if I don't like anything I see?
Trainer: Turn off your lights!
Trainer: So, what do you do if all your engines fail?
Trainee 1: Look out of the cockpit for a suitable landing field and glide toward it
Trainer: Good answer. But what if this happens at night
The room is silent
Trainer: Got you! Okay, the answer is that your altimeter should still work. Wait until you are 100 metres above ground level and turn your landing lights on. They are battery powered and will still work. Then using your lights, look for a suitable landing site and choose the one that you like best.
Trainee 2: What if I don't like anything I see?
Trainer: Turn off your lights!
To be said in a Tommy Cooper voiceā¦..
āI spent all last weekend with the wife cleaning out our attic. Filthy dirty and covered in cobwebs! ā¦ā¦ But sheās good with the kids!ā
āHidden away in the back of our attic we eventually found an old painting and a violin. They turned out to be a long lost Rembrandt and a perfectly preserved Stradivarius ā¦ā¦Unfortunately Rembrandt made terrible violins and Stradivarius was a really lousy painterā¦ā¦ ā
āI spent all last weekend with the wife cleaning out our attic. Filthy dirty and covered in cobwebs! ā¦ā¦ But sheās good with the kids!ā
āHidden away in the back of our attic we eventually found an old painting and a violin. They turned out to be a long lost Rembrandt and a perfectly preserved Stradivarius ā¦ā¦Unfortunately Rembrandt made terrible violins and Stradivarius was a really lousy painterā¦ā¦ ā
My neighbour in Newton Abbot was an Exeter fan. He was a beer lover but sadly suffered from fatal constipation.
He asked to be buried under a City flag.
On his death bed he asked whether I would pour some beer on his coffin as he loved the stuff so much.
I agreed.
I stood over his open grave and thought of the misguided fool as I waited for the beer to pass through my kidneys.
He asked to be buried under a City flag.
On his death bed he asked whether I would pour some beer on his coffin as he loved the stuff so much.
I agreed.
I stood over his open grave and thought of the misguided fool as I waited for the beer to pass through my kidneys.
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This is why I joined the Air Force.
The MOD was conducting a multi service briefing and the leader posed the following question: āWhat would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?ā
A sailor said āIād step on itā
A soldier said āIād crush it with my bootā
A Royal Marine said āIād catch it, rip the stinger off and then eat it.ā
An airman said āIād call room service and ask why there is a tent in my roomā.
The MOD was conducting a multi service briefing and the leader posed the following question: āWhat would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?ā
A sailor said āIād step on itā
A soldier said āIād crush it with my bootā
A Royal Marine said āIād catch it, rip the stinger off and then eat it.ā
An airman said āIād call room service and ask why there is a tent in my roomā.
