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- Thread starter mervyn
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I went to the doctor who informed me I had put on weight. I told him I had a lot on my plate lately.
Two old soldiers sitting on a bench. One says to the other ‘do you remember those pills they gave us in the the First World War to keep our minds off sex?’. ‘Well I think they’re beginning to start working’.
Sam arrived home early from school.
His mum said “why are you home early?”
Sam replied “I was the only one in class that could answer the question “
“Wow” said Sam’s mum. “I’ve raised a genius! What was the question?” she asked.
Sam replied “Who threw the ball at the Head Master?”
His mum said “why are you home early?”
Sam replied “I was the only one in class that could answer the question “
“Wow” said Sam’s mum. “I’ve raised a genius! What was the question?” she asked.
Sam replied “Who threw the ball at the Head Master?”
A lady visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news, 'There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt- prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year.'
Visibly shaken, the lady stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, 'Will I be acquitted?'
Visibly shaken, the lady stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, 'Will I be acquitted?'
Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: it's 1, no it's 2, no it's 4, no it's 8, no it's 16, no it's 32, no it's 64, no it's 128...
A: it's 1, no it's 2, no it's 4, no it's 8, no it's 16, no it's 32, no it's 64, no it's 128...
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Anything you like, he won't come.
Anything you like, he won't come.
Argyle Nutter
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."
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A white horse walks into a pub.
The barman looks at him and says
"We've got a whisky named after you!"
The horse replies "What, Eric?"
The barman looks at him and says
"We've got a whisky named after you!"
The horse replies "What, Eric?"
smudja
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Cornish lads are still annoyed that their retro concert was cancelled as the promoter couldn't decide if he should put The Jam on or Cream first
Q. What is it that no Borrussia Munchengladbach supporter ever wants to hear?
A. ‘Give us a B……’
A. ‘Give us a B……’
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A couple of potatoes married and had 3 baby potatoes who eventually went their own way to the big city.
The parents were quite snobbish so we're very glad when they had a phone call saying that the oldest was marrying a Jersey Royal.
A couple of months later the 2nd baby anounced that she was going to marry a King Edward. The parents were overjoyed
However their elation was turned to disappointment when the youungest called to say she was marrying Gary Lineker. You can marry him they said. Disappointed the youngest potatoes asked why not? Because he's a common tater they replied
The parents were quite snobbish so we're very glad when they had a phone call saying that the oldest was marrying a Jersey Royal.
A couple of months later the 2nd baby anounced that she was going to marry a King Edward. The parents were overjoyed
However their elation was turned to disappointment when the youungest called to say she was marrying Gary Lineker. You can marry him they said. Disappointed the youngest potatoes asked why not? Because he's a common tater they replied
