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1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
smudja
🏆 Callum Wright 23/24
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Man walks past a corner shop and sees a sign advertising for a shop assistant. He decides to go in and ask about the job. The owner agrees to give him a trial.
A customer walks in and the owner says"watch me and learn!"
The customer asks for some grass seed. The owner hands over the box and asks "would you like to buy a lawnmower?"
The customer asks "why?"
The owner says "you will need to cut the grass when it grows and they are on sale"
"I'll take one"says the customer
"Would you like some garden waste bags as well?" Asks the owner
"Why?" Asks the customer
"Because you will need something to out the cuttings in" replied the owner.
The customer left happy and the owner said to his new assistant.. "that's how you do it! Your turn next"
Shortly after another man walks in and asks for a box of tampons.
The assistant seeing his chance to impress asks"would you like to buy a lawnmower as well?"
The customer asks "why?"
The assistant replies" well seeing as your not going to be doing much this weekend you might as well cut the grass!"
A customer walks in and the owner says"watch me and learn!"
The customer asks for some grass seed. The owner hands over the box and asks "would you like to buy a lawnmower?"
The customer asks "why?"
The owner says "you will need to cut the grass when it grows and they are on sale"
"I'll take one"says the customer
"Would you like some garden waste bags as well?" Asks the owner
"Why?" Asks the customer
"Because you will need something to out the cuttings in" replied the owner.
The customer left happy and the owner said to his new assistant.. "that's how you do it! Your turn next"
Shortly after another man walks in and asks for a box of tampons.
The assistant seeing his chance to impress asks"would you like to buy a lawnmower as well?"
The customer asks "why?"
The assistant replies" well seeing as your not going to be doing much this weekend you might as well cut the grass!"
A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife’s car was open, the front door to the house is open.
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, cat food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you came home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?” “Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn't do it.”
The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.
In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, cat food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.
As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?” She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you came home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?” “Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn't do it.”
GreenThing
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🏆 Callum Wright 23/24
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How did orangutans get their name? It turns out they have one brass testicle and the other is copper.
When they walk they go arang-atang arang-atang arang-atang arang-atang !
When they walk they go arang-atang arang-atang arang-atang arang-atang !
A man drives past a house & notices a sign 'TALKING DOG FOR SALE, £20'. Intrigued he pulled over and spoke to the bloke in the front garden. 'He's in the back garden you can check him out if you want'. The man goes round the back & spots a very handsome (a bit like me 😀) German Shepherd sitting in the garden. 'Hi' says the dog, 'I suppose you want to know a bit about me.Well I was the first dog to live in the International Space Station & on retiring from my space exploration I was the Queen's personal guard dog before winning Crufts & am now retired but writing columns in The Times as a freelance journalist to keep me going'.
Astonished the man approaches the bloke in the garden; 'why are you selling that talking dog SOOO cheap?'
'Coz he's a liar' replied the bloke 'he never done any of those things'.
Astonished the man approaches the bloke in the garden; 'why are you selling that talking dog SOOO cheap?'
'Coz he's a liar' replied the bloke 'he never done any of those things'.
A mate asked me if I had a date for my father's funeral.... I said I'd probably go with my mum.
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🏆 Callum Wright 23/24
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A soldier was stationed abroad and received a ‘Dear John’ letter from his girlfriend back home. It read, “Dear Harry, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated twice since you’ve been gone, and it’s not fair to either of us. I’m sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent you. Love, Kim."
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Harry included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected.
There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read, “Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Harry.”
The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of Kim, Harry included all the other pictures of pretty girls he had collected.
There were 43 photos in the envelope along with a note that read, “Dear Kim, I’m so sorry but I can’t remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me. Take care, Harry.”
A beautiful East European girl wants to get to America, but has no money, so thumbs it to Southampton to stowaway on an ocean liner. All is well until the fourth day until she is discovered and hauled before a very angry captain, who insists she reveals which officer helped her stow away. ‘I will not reveal his name’ she says. ‘But he was a wonderful man who let me share his cabin, and all he wanted in return was sex two or three times each day!’
The captain continued his questioning, until she finally said ‘All I will tell you is that he was elderly, an officer and a gentleman’.
‘Well’, said the captain, ‘he may be elderly, he may be an officer, but he’s no gentleman, you’re on the Isle of Wight ferry.
The captain continued his questioning, until she finally said ‘All I will tell you is that he was elderly, an officer and a gentleman’.
‘Well’, said the captain, ‘he may be elderly, he may be an officer, but he’s no gentleman, you’re on the Isle of Wight ferry.
Just watched a video of a drill.
It was a bit boring.
It was a bit boring.