New jokes appreciated

[memory man]

Some years ago a man in a Merchant Navy captain's uniform pulls into a village petrol station in deepest Cornwall, and asks the proprietor to fill his Aston Martin DB4. The pumps were the old hand-pumped version and it was a warm day. The old guy dispensing the fuel was sweating profusely. Breathlessly he said: "That's a very nice car you got there, sir. Don't see many of they round these parts. Be she were a bob or two." "Well," said the customer, "It's my one weakness. I have a good job. I am a Merchant Navy Captain and I work for Cunard." The fellah responds - "Well I work very hard too but I ain't got a car like that!"

 

[Jonathan Bolton]

Clowns divorce. Custardy battle.
(Simon Munnery)

 

[German Shepherd]

My wife has always wanted a dog so as a special Valentines Day pressie I got her a pug.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes & rolls of fat; the dog seems to rather like her.

 

[memory man]

Two hungry cowboys crossing the Californian desert see a tree in the distance draped with bacon. "It a bacon tree" one says as he stirs his horse into a gallop. He gets close to the tree, dismounts and runs towards it. Suddenly there is a hail of bullets and he is severely wounded. As his life ebbs away he summons enough strength to warn his companion - "Be warned. It is not a bacon tree, its a ham-bush"!!

 

[German Shepherd]

Went to the record shop and asked for anything by Elvis.
Bloke behind the counter says we have his recording of Wooden Leg.
I said surely you mean Wooden Heart
He said, no this is the pirate copy.

 

[German Shepherd]

Why did the man fall down the well ?

Because he couldn't see that well

 

[German Shepherd]

I keep shouting the names of castles. I think I've got Turrets

 

[AdelaideGreen]

I lost my job at NatWest St. Andrews Cross bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. I STAXed it.

 

[AdelaideGreen]

If you do 'dad jokes' but don't have any kids, are you a faux pa?

 

[IJN]

Peeps. Can I remind everyone that this is a family friendly site.

 

[Argyleloyal]

I lost my job at NatWest St. Andrews Cross bank on my first day. A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over. I STAXed it.

Did you get that from ITV2? Ha ha

 

[santos73]

It pains me to say this but I think I've got Laryngitis

 

[memory man]

We had a short power cut last night. I nipped next door to check on our elderly neighbour. She told me she thought we may have had a power cut but that she saw a bus go by with the lights on, so knew she had imagined it.

 

[Mexijan1]

When the wife comes into the front room and moans at you when the footie is on what have you done wrong?

Made her chain from the kitchen sink too long....

 

[(I'm)Stranded]

When the wife comes into the front room and moans at you when the footie is on what have you done wrong?

Made her chain from the kitchen sink too long....

Aaahh I do like jokes from the 1890s!!!!