Favourite 'one-liners'

[mervyn]

My favourite Groucho Marx put down. ‘I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception’.

 

[Butternubs]

My favourite Groucho Marx put down. ‘I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception’.

Another great one from him: "From the moment I picked up your book, to the moment I put it down I didn't stop laughing. One day I intend to read it."

 

[Balham Green]

One of the great cricket sledge one liners was when an England player said to David Boon the Aussie batter,"Eh Boony, why are you so fat". His reply was "Coz every time I shag your wife she gives me a biscuit!"
Got to give him credit!!

Marsh to Botham 'how's your wife and my kids?'. Reply. 'Wife is fine but the kids are Removed by Site Admin'.

 

[Joe Totale]

Marsh to Botham 'how's your wife and my kids?'. Reply. 'Wife is fine but the kids are Removed by Site Admin'.

Mark Waugh to Jimmy Ormond 'What are you doing out here? There's no way you're good enough to play for England'. Reply, 'Maybe not but at least I'm the best player in my family'

Greg Thomas to Viv Richards after Viv had played and missed 'it's red, round and weighs 5 ounces'. Sir Viv then hits the next ball out of the ground then retorts with 'you know what it looks like, now go and find it'

 

[Montybulldog]

Our performance was as flat as a pint of Bass ( Alan Balls as Exeter city manager).

Tony Pullis, Stoke city, " Our midfield and strikers could'nt find their car keys in the drivers seat, let alone a pass today".

 

[Dreamgreen]

Credit Rick 0'Shay at the GT bar for this one but, as it's a family site you will have to guess the last word ...

"Fred (Man Utd) is the worst Brazilian since Stevie Wonder shaved his wife's xxxxx"

 

[Ave IT]

Marsh to Botham 'how's your wife and my kids?'. Reply. 'Wife is fine but the kids are Removed by Site Admin'.

We could do a sub-thread on best come-backs / retorts.

There's a couple of very un-pc slap-downs that Churchill supposedly said that I recall:
A woman angrily accused him once of being drunk to which he replied :-
"Yes, I may be drunk Miss and you are ugly...... but tomorrow I'll be sober!"
Also an exchange with Lady Astor:
LA - "If I were married to you I'd put poison in your coffee"
Churchill - "If I were married to you I'd drink it."

 

[Ave IT]

A cracking one liner from Olaf Falafel at this year's Edinburgh fringe:
"Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle."
That reminds me of exactly the sort of thing 'Tyhee Slim' used to come out with on this forum years ago.

 

[AdelaideGreen]

Jerry Seinfeld apparently once described Melbourne as "the anus of the world" during a press conference.
The apparent response from a reporter was "Yes, but you are only passing through"

 

[AdelaideGreen]

Although not a great one liner, this gaffe by (now ex) Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott is to be enjoyed.
"No one," said Abbott, "however smart, however well-educated, however experienced … is the suppository of all wisdom."

 

[AdelaideGreen]

New Zealand Prime Minister Robert Muldoon in 1990, on the subject of trans Tasman migration in the 1970's "When New Zealanders emigrate to Australia, it raises the average IQ of both countries."

 

[Montybulldog]

I'm not a big fan of jokes tbh - not the contrived long-winded type anyway - but can cry laughing at stupid 'one-liners'. The masters of that art being Tommy Cooper and Steven Wright (the American comic not the Radio 2 bloke!) and Tim Vine is excellent too (although he frequently plagiarises the other two). There are also some great political put-downs from the likes of Churchill and Denis Healey.

Anyway, a few of my faves.....

"I spent all weekend cleaning out our attic with the wife. Filthy dirty, covered in cobwebs..... but she's good with the kids." - Tommy Cooper

I phoned our local swimming pool and said "Hello - is that the local swimming pool?" The bloke said "I dunno. Depends where you're calling from." - Tommy Cooper

So, I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "Probably. How flexible are you?".... I said, "Well I can't make Tuesdays" - Tommy Cooper

"Did you know sponges grow in the ocean? That just kills me. Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen". - Steven Wright

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot." - Steven Wright

"If you painted a light bulb black - would the room go dark when you switched it on?" - Steven Wright

"What's another word for Thesaurus?" - Steven Wright

"If at first you don't succeed, then sky-diving definitely isn't for you" - Steven Wright.

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what. Never again." - Tim Vine

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.” - Tim Vine

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.” - Tim Vine

Fraois Pinar ex spring box rugby captain, 'he ain't that ugly, just his mum had to feed him by catapult.

Nean Nar, Nean Nar, hows he going to sell any ice creams going at the speed, Eric Morecambe.

 

[Aldershot Exile]

A tiresome acqaintance of Oscar Wilde once said to him

'I say, Wilde, I passed your house yesterday' to which Wilde replied
'Oh thank you so much'

 

[Mike Charlick]

To any karaoke singer,
"You should be on the stage. There's one leaving in 2 minutes."

To any busker,
"Do you know 'Streets of London?'"
"Yes!"
"Well p#ss off and sing there then!"

 

[boletus edulis]

We could do a sub-thread on best come-backs / retorts.

There's a couple of very un-pc slap-downs that Churchill supposedly said that I recall:
A woman angrily accused him once of being drunk to which he replied :-
"Yes, I may be drunk Miss and you are ugly...... but tomorrow I'll be sober!"
Also an exchange with Lady Astor:
LA - "If I were married to you I'd put poison in your coffee"
Churchill - "If I were married to you I'd drink it."

A modest man, with much to be modest about - Churchill on Clement Attlee. The first bit was true, don’t agree with the second part.