Favourite 'one-liners'

[Ave IT]

I'm not a big fan of jokes tbh - not the contrived long-winded type anyway - but can cry laughing at stupid 'one-liners'. The masters of that art being Tommy Cooper and Steven Wright (the American comic not the Radio 2 bloke!) and Tim Vine is excellent too (although he frequently plagiarises the other two). There are also some great political put-downs from the likes of Churchill and Denis Healey.

Anyway, a few of my faves.....

"I spent all weekend cleaning out our attic with the wife. Filthy dirty, covered in cobwebs..... but she's good with the kids." - Tommy Cooper

I phoned our local swimming pool and said "Hello - is that the local swimming pool?" The bloke said "I dunno. Depends where you're calling from." - Tommy Cooper

So, I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said "Probably. How flexible are you?".... I said, "Well I can't make Tuesdays" - Tommy Cooper

"Did you know sponges grow in the ocean? That just kills me. Imagine how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen". - Steven Wright

"There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot." - Steven Wright

"If you painted a light bulb black - would the room go dark when you switched it on?" - Steven Wright

"What's another word for Thesaurus?" - Steven Wright

"If at first you don't succeed, then sky-diving definitely isn't for you" - Steven Wright.

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what. Never again." - Tim Vine

“Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.” - Tim Vine

“Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.” - Tim Vine

 

[Steamer]

When I told my friends that I wanted to be a stand up comedian, they all laughed .... well, they are not laughing now ... Bob Monkhouse

 

[Old Gunner]

I went to the zoo today, they only had a dog…it was a shitzu.
Tommy Cooper

 

[Welwyn Pilgrim]

"If Everton were playing down the bottom of my garden, I'd draw the curtains." - Bill Shankly

 

[Joe Totale]

Rodney Dangerfield is the king of the one liner IMO:

Rodney Dangerfield jokes and quotes

157 quotes, jokes and funny sayings by Rodney Dangerfield

funnycomedianquotes.com

Some highlights include:

“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait til it gets warmer.’”

“I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the 10th floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, ‘On your mark...’”

“I was tired one night, and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, ‘What’ll you have?’ I said, ‘Surprise me.’ He showed me a naked picture of my wife.”

But Monkhouse is close

"They say marriage is a great institution. So is Dartmoor and Broadmoor."

"My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo."

 

[olive green]

“Tuffers, can you lend me your brain, I’m building an idiot” Ian Healey to Phil Tufnell as Shane Warne came in to bowl.

 

[American Pilgrim]

Rodney Dangerfield is the king of the one liner IMO:

Rodney Dangerfield jokes and quotes

157 quotes, jokes and funny sayings by Rodney Dangerfield

funnycomedianquotes.com

Some highlights include:

“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, ‘Wait til it gets warmer.’”

“I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the 10th floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, ‘On your mark...’”

“I was tired one night, and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, ‘What’ll you have?’ I said, ‘Surprise me.’ He showed me a naked picture of my wife.”

But Monkhouse is close

"They say marriage is a great institution. So is Dartmoor and Broadmoor."

"My father only hit me once - but he used a Volvo."

Yes Rodney Dangerfield was hilarious in everything he did and said. Was fortunate to meet him after one of his shows not too long before he died; was a very nice guy tbh.

To input on the thread, will use one from another of my favorites, Steven Wright:

'I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.'

 

[Mat]

I pretty much say this every time I hear a siren.

 

[up the line]

I took a loan out to pay for an exorcism.
I'm behind on the payments though so I'm in danger of being repossessed.

 

[deathadder]

Churchill on Politics and Government "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."

 

[deathadder]

“You have enemies? Good. It means you’ve stood up for something, sometime in your life.”

 

[4evergreen]

How does the snowplough driver get to his work? - Billy Connolly

What's the difference between snowmen and snow women? Snowballs. - Brendan O'Carroll

 

[(I'm)Stranded]

One of the great cricket sledge one liners was when an England player said to David Boon the Aussie batter,"Eh Boony, why are you so fat". His reply was "Coz every time I shag your wife she gives me a biscuit!"
Got to give him credit!!

 

[mervyn]

My wife’s just had a breast reduction operation. I prefer her with just the two..

 

[mervyn]

This is not a joke. I’ve just spent a week on the Queen Mary with Mike Reiss, the creator and writer for the past 35 years of the Simpsons. He produces one-liners automatically as part of every day conversation. Very funny bloke.