One Game at a Time: Difficult Second Season?
Watford (A) August 27th Carabao Cup
“Queens Park Rangers are the only side to have their game called off when melting snow causes their Omni-Turf pitch to shrink.”
BBC Radio 4 Week Ending “Next Week’s News “ January 1982
Experimentation is nothing new in football. Over the years it has given us the penalty kick, offside, cross bars instead of tapes, VAR instead of common sense, transfer windows and now an annual rules lottery where a group of referees gather and write down ten ridiculous ideas before drawing a couple out of a hat and implementing them for as long as they can be bothered for the new season.
Coaches too experiment, with formations and tactics, and occasionally, as with Terry Venables, the man who created the Christmas Tree formation with England, by not ripping up the rule book, but ripping out the pitch. In 1981 at Loftus Road, to prevent his side being bogged down, literally, in the quagmire of pitches when winter arrived, he installed a plastic pitch. It lasted for seven years, enough time for this writer to get his first ever broadcast joke (reproduced above) used on the satirical BBC Radio 4 programme “Week Ending”.
Unfortunately, just like plastic pitches, that career change from graduate financial analyst to bestselling comedy writer never took hold. Although my comic audition piece was forwarded to the producer of “Three of A Kind” they went with some upstart called Ben Elton. Not sure what happened to him.
To be fair, not all of the ideas the rules mavens come up with are completely ridiculous. You can tell the good ones. They get dropped by the middle of September. Do you remember the crackdown on time-wasting? Matches being extended by fifteen minutes additional time to compensate for players falling to the ground with injuries that almost always seemed to be not as life threatening as they initially appeared. Gone.
Likewise, the law of unintended consequences. Only stop play for a head injury to prevent play being interrupted? The spate of head injuries that followed, as in almost every attack (or every attack in Wycombe) ending with a defender or two clutching their heads as they writhe on the ground, soon put paid to that as having had any impact on speeding up play.
The truth is players and coaches will seek to extend any advantage they can glean from any situation, and the consequences of that is rule improvements are only as good as the individuals implementing them.
They say the best referees are the ones you don’t remember. Unfortunately, the only referee most Argyle fans can remember from their return to the Championship was with us at Loftus Road. Our third time, and to underscore the veracity of the best equals unmemorable equation, just about every Argyle fan can remember all three with equal horror, incredulity, and by now resignation.
That isn’t to say referees can’t be memorable. Collina, all Nosferatu staring eyes popping out of his shaven skull. Bouncy round Roger Kirkpatrick all smiles and manic gestures. I even recall Clive Thomas getting applauded onto the pitch for the 1979 home game against Tranmere. How were we rewarded for this show of appreciation to a fine referee? He gave a penalty against George Foster in the first five minutes. The same Foster, also booked, then had to receive a lengthy lecture whilst on his knees, seemingly supplicating to avoid a sending off.
The thing is what fans ask of a referee is simple. Not that they should know the rules. That should be a given, and in any case half the fans don’t know them anyway.
No, what they want is for the referee to show some semblance of understanding what is going on, to set out to both sets of players where the line is going to be drawn and then apply it to both sides equally.
To be clear, Gavin Ward is as fine an example as anyone can ever see of someone who, whilst he academically may be eminently aware of the rules of the game as written down, once he blows the whistle to start the game, is as in control of what happens as a one-armed gibbon going down the Cresta Run in the dark.
Mind you, for the first five minutes, Argyle looked like they had grabbed ten supporters off the terrace, chucked them on the pitch and said, “here you go lads, just keep it tight with Conor until the team bus gets here.”
That the arrival in the third minute of Frey’s headed goal, a near replica of their first goal the previous Saturday at Sheffield United from a corner, was greeted by a cheer that emphasised how inevitable it had felt, following Smyth’s one on one that was saved by Hazard after a minute, and Dembele harassing the Argyle back line at will, even without the absurdly early kick-off, it felt like a long day ahead.
Then, having given up the lead with barely a wimper, it was as if the Argyle players looked around the Rangers backline and realised that it was pretty much the same one they had terrorised at will the previous season. So, they started to do it again.
Having taken control of the ball and possession, it felt like a matter of time before Argyle were back in the game. Whittaker and Cissoko were stretching the Rangers back line, so when Morgs nipped infield and tried to find Hardie, the disappointment of his hitting Field was changed to delight when our greatest financial asset thrashed the rebound past the helpless Nardi. One-one. Another million on the price. Ker-ching.
One all, and in the ascendency, it felt like Argyle had to keep Dembele under control and all would be well. The footballing Polly Pocket had already snagged his first yellow for an opponent when Forshaw grappled with him for fifteen yards before eventually letting Gav to take over and allow Argyle the advantage from his repeatedly unsuccessful fouls, but card him at a break in play.
Withing a minute of being all square however Adam had his breakdown for the weekend. Finding himself tracking back into the left back position he was faced with the pace and trickery of Jimmy Dunne on a one-line track to nowhere dangerous. One reckless lunge later and Adam was staring down the barrel of a second yellow. Quickly kitman, chuck him the extra “E’ shirt. Too late, he was off.
You laugh but given Gavin the primate managed to not distinguish between Cissoko and Gyabi when he later got his yellow out, I think the shirt swap trick might have worked. And here is where we start to understand the issue with referees like Gavin Ward, and especially Gavin Ward.
So far he has got almost everything right. No argument about the Forshaw booking, or the red card. But Paal then pulls back Whittaker as he breaks away. Obvious yellow? No, apparently that’s a stern talking to. Dembele fouls and then walks away with the ball to prevent a quick free kick. Yes, that‘s fine. Randell bounces the ball in frustration. Oh no, immediate yellow. Of course it is…but so was Dembele’s. And when you do finally get your card out for a foul, at least try and get the right big black dude without them having to confer and come and tell you.
Having reached half-time level, despite the idiocy of Forshaw, who if he found himself in a zombie apocalypse could walk safely home as they only eat brains, we all expected a Cifuentes tactical master class. Instead, we got a continuation of what can only be, given the fact it happens so frequently, an ongoing experiment by the Argyle coaching team as to the validity and limits of Einsteins theory of Insanity. Having lost only once in thirteen games against Rangers, Argyle have recently tried to introduce playing handicaps in game, to see where the threshold will be. So, for example, in the recent League Cup tie, we experimented with having Frank Nouble in the team. Last season we experimented with removing a centre half via Dan Scarr’s assault on Chair. This season Forshaw from the midfield, at around the same time.
In truth Cifuentes didn’t really do anything that impacted the game dramatically in Ranger’s favour. If anything, removing the ineffectual Saito and moving Dembele out wide to supply crosses to Frey and Celar made them less effective.
Frey continued to be a danger and could have had a penalty when Lewis pulled him back. Celar, preferred to Dykes, who is potentially on his way to Scotland to play, or Birmingham (pick your least worst option) had three chances, all of which he converted like a gaelic footballer.
Hazard, presumably realising that the arrival of Dan Grimshaw from Blackpool in his junior Ederson kit, may be a threat, was the perfect foil to Argyle’s enforced low block. Those shots that were not blocked he parried or saved on his way to a deserved man of the match presentation, where he slightly blotted his copybook by treating the trophy like a French second world war rifle. New, hardly used and only dropped once.
Argyle rolled through their subs, with Obefemi providing a muscular and energetic first cameo after his unexpected arrival from Burnley. Szuchs was pulled back in the box, but not before he pulled back Clark-Salter, so under the new interpretation of the rules where shirt pulling is not allowed unless you both do it, or as we know it, WWE, no harm no foul. More importantly, no penalty.
Issaka came on for Cissoko. Or was it Gyabi? No point asking Gavin the Gibbon.
Then came the final act of experimental madness by Argyle. Having made it through to four minutes of added on time (which given all the “game management,” carefully faked defensive arguments and slow walks to the ball to restart play seemed about eight minutes short) Issaka chased out yet another clearance from the box, headed into midfield and raced to beat Paal to the ball.
In my match preview I discussed the value of going for the win, over holding for a draw. Issaka, had he won the ball was free and running on the Rangers goal for a heroic potential winner. He was however, nowhere near the ball and even though Paal effectively kicked into his studs it was by any definition a bad challenge and a definite red card. No hesitation from Gav either. A quick look round to make sure Gyabi and Cissoko were both still subbed and out with the hat-trick red card. No more confusing black dudes in green.
Still time for Gav to make sure he got his full complement of stars from mum on his fridge, with a pointless ninety-fourth minute card for Hazard for time wasting (job done Conor) but Argyle proved nine men was still enough for a point. Next season will be interesting as to whether we start removing players at ten-minute intervals after half time.
In the end then a good point but can we just find some referees that apply the rules AND common sense. Gav didn’t get any of the big calls wrong, but let’s face it, they weren’t hard calls. Given the last time he reffed us we ended up with two players hospitalised in the first half (one concussion, one missing enough skin from his leg he needed a skin graft and yet the only player he sent off was in the second half for a deliberate handball second yellow) are we supposed to be grateful he takes time out of his weekend to ruin ours.
Rangers will be as frustrated as we were delighted with the point.
Their new giant Danish lego constructed midfielder started well but drifted out of the game. If that’s what two million gets you we had better hope we can get Steve Martin as Dr Hfuhruhurr to install Adam a new brain pronto.
Rumours too that Chair may be heading to Leeds (do they have an open prison there?) as Rangers seek to balance their books after some chunky spending. Next up for them, first ever plastic pitch opponents Luton Town.
Argyle travel back to the South East in the competition designed by the EFL to replace reserve team leagues, the Carabao Cup and Luton’s deadly rivals, Watford.
Given David Norris and Finn Azaz both scored their final Argyle goals against Watford, you can make an argument for resting Hardie and Whittaker, with the proximity of the window, and it is highly likely Dan Grimshaw will make his Argyle debut after signing from Blackpool.
The Hornets, all Z Cars themed run out and Elton John playlists, have started the season with four straight wins. This despite the seemingly endless gutting of the squad by the unloved Pozzo family, whose football empire defies all accounting logic. They too will probably field a second string, so expect the charmingly nicknamed Rajovic (the Bog Owl) to lead the line.
As a competition the Carabao has been so devalued by the late entry of the so-called big sides it is hard to get too excited about a cup run here, unless we actually have one. Our only previous game in this tournament against Watford was a turn of this century one-nil defeat, but as we know to our cost, they tend to be an insurmountable obstacle in latter cup rounds so to quote Macbeth
“If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well
It were done quickly:”
No Forshaw, for sure. Issaka can catch up on his homework. Not sure who Gavin has got for this round. It isn’t us and that is all that matters.
A free hit so will it be Love Herts, or Herts attack stuff
COYG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Watford (A) August 27th Carabao Cup
“Queens Park Rangers are the only side to have their game called off when melting snow causes their Omni-Turf pitch to shrink.”
BBC Radio 4 Week Ending “Next Week’s News “ January 1982
Experimentation is nothing new in football. Over the years it has given us the penalty kick, offside, cross bars instead of tapes, VAR instead of common sense, transfer windows and now an annual rules lottery where a group of referees gather and write down ten ridiculous ideas before drawing a couple out of a hat and implementing them for as long as they can be bothered for the new season.
Coaches too experiment, with formations and tactics, and occasionally, as with Terry Venables, the man who created the Christmas Tree formation with England, by not ripping up the rule book, but ripping out the pitch. In 1981 at Loftus Road, to prevent his side being bogged down, literally, in the quagmire of pitches when winter arrived, he installed a plastic pitch. It lasted for seven years, enough time for this writer to get his first ever broadcast joke (reproduced above) used on the satirical BBC Radio 4 programme “Week Ending”.
Unfortunately, just like plastic pitches, that career change from graduate financial analyst to bestselling comedy writer never took hold. Although my comic audition piece was forwarded to the producer of “Three of A Kind” they went with some upstart called Ben Elton. Not sure what happened to him.
To be fair, not all of the ideas the rules mavens come up with are completely ridiculous. You can tell the good ones. They get dropped by the middle of September. Do you remember the crackdown on time-wasting? Matches being extended by fifteen minutes additional time to compensate for players falling to the ground with injuries that almost always seemed to be not as life threatening as they initially appeared. Gone.
Likewise, the law of unintended consequences. Only stop play for a head injury to prevent play being interrupted? The spate of head injuries that followed, as in almost every attack (or every attack in Wycombe) ending with a defender or two clutching their heads as they writhe on the ground, soon put paid to that as having had any impact on speeding up play.
The truth is players and coaches will seek to extend any advantage they can glean from any situation, and the consequences of that is rule improvements are only as good as the individuals implementing them.
They say the best referees are the ones you don’t remember. Unfortunately, the only referee most Argyle fans can remember from their return to the Championship was with us at Loftus Road. Our third time, and to underscore the veracity of the best equals unmemorable equation, just about every Argyle fan can remember all three with equal horror, incredulity, and by now resignation.
That isn’t to say referees can’t be memorable. Collina, all Nosferatu staring eyes popping out of his shaven skull. Bouncy round Roger Kirkpatrick all smiles and manic gestures. I even recall Clive Thomas getting applauded onto the pitch for the 1979 home game against Tranmere. How were we rewarded for this show of appreciation to a fine referee? He gave a penalty against George Foster in the first five minutes. The same Foster, also booked, then had to receive a lengthy lecture whilst on his knees, seemingly supplicating to avoid a sending off.
The thing is what fans ask of a referee is simple. Not that they should know the rules. That should be a given, and in any case half the fans don’t know them anyway.
No, what they want is for the referee to show some semblance of understanding what is going on, to set out to both sets of players where the line is going to be drawn and then apply it to both sides equally.
To be clear, Gavin Ward is as fine an example as anyone can ever see of someone who, whilst he academically may be eminently aware of the rules of the game as written down, once he blows the whistle to start the game, is as in control of what happens as a one-armed gibbon going down the Cresta Run in the dark.
Mind you, for the first five minutes, Argyle looked like they had grabbed ten supporters off the terrace, chucked them on the pitch and said, “here you go lads, just keep it tight with Conor until the team bus gets here.”
That the arrival in the third minute of Frey’s headed goal, a near replica of their first goal the previous Saturday at Sheffield United from a corner, was greeted by a cheer that emphasised how inevitable it had felt, following Smyth’s one on one that was saved by Hazard after a minute, and Dembele harassing the Argyle back line at will, even without the absurdly early kick-off, it felt like a long day ahead.
Then, having given up the lead with barely a wimper, it was as if the Argyle players looked around the Rangers backline and realised that it was pretty much the same one they had terrorised at will the previous season. So, they started to do it again.
Having taken control of the ball and possession, it felt like a matter of time before Argyle were back in the game. Whittaker and Cissoko were stretching the Rangers back line, so when Morgs nipped infield and tried to find Hardie, the disappointment of his hitting Field was changed to delight when our greatest financial asset thrashed the rebound past the helpless Nardi. One-one. Another million on the price. Ker-ching.
One all, and in the ascendency, it felt like Argyle had to keep Dembele under control and all would be well. The footballing Polly Pocket had already snagged his first yellow for an opponent when Forshaw grappled with him for fifteen yards before eventually letting Gav to take over and allow Argyle the advantage from his repeatedly unsuccessful fouls, but card him at a break in play.
Withing a minute of being all square however Adam had his breakdown for the weekend. Finding himself tracking back into the left back position he was faced with the pace and trickery of Jimmy Dunne on a one-line track to nowhere dangerous. One reckless lunge later and Adam was staring down the barrel of a second yellow. Quickly kitman, chuck him the extra “E’ shirt. Too late, he was off.
You laugh but given Gavin the primate managed to not distinguish between Cissoko and Gyabi when he later got his yellow out, I think the shirt swap trick might have worked. And here is where we start to understand the issue with referees like Gavin Ward, and especially Gavin Ward.
So far he has got almost everything right. No argument about the Forshaw booking, or the red card. But Paal then pulls back Whittaker as he breaks away. Obvious yellow? No, apparently that’s a stern talking to. Dembele fouls and then walks away with the ball to prevent a quick free kick. Yes, that‘s fine. Randell bounces the ball in frustration. Oh no, immediate yellow. Of course it is…but so was Dembele’s. And when you do finally get your card out for a foul, at least try and get the right big black dude without them having to confer and come and tell you.
Having reached half-time level, despite the idiocy of Forshaw, who if he found himself in a zombie apocalypse could walk safely home as they only eat brains, we all expected a Cifuentes tactical master class. Instead, we got a continuation of what can only be, given the fact it happens so frequently, an ongoing experiment by the Argyle coaching team as to the validity and limits of Einsteins theory of Insanity. Having lost only once in thirteen games against Rangers, Argyle have recently tried to introduce playing handicaps in game, to see where the threshold will be. So, for example, in the recent League Cup tie, we experimented with having Frank Nouble in the team. Last season we experimented with removing a centre half via Dan Scarr’s assault on Chair. This season Forshaw from the midfield, at around the same time.
In truth Cifuentes didn’t really do anything that impacted the game dramatically in Ranger’s favour. If anything, removing the ineffectual Saito and moving Dembele out wide to supply crosses to Frey and Celar made them less effective.
Frey continued to be a danger and could have had a penalty when Lewis pulled him back. Celar, preferred to Dykes, who is potentially on his way to Scotland to play, or Birmingham (pick your least worst option) had three chances, all of which he converted like a gaelic footballer.
Hazard, presumably realising that the arrival of Dan Grimshaw from Blackpool in his junior Ederson kit, may be a threat, was the perfect foil to Argyle’s enforced low block. Those shots that were not blocked he parried or saved on his way to a deserved man of the match presentation, where he slightly blotted his copybook by treating the trophy like a French second world war rifle. New, hardly used and only dropped once.
Argyle rolled through their subs, with Obefemi providing a muscular and energetic first cameo after his unexpected arrival from Burnley. Szuchs was pulled back in the box, but not before he pulled back Clark-Salter, so under the new interpretation of the rules where shirt pulling is not allowed unless you both do it, or as we know it, WWE, no harm no foul. More importantly, no penalty.
Issaka came on for Cissoko. Or was it Gyabi? No point asking Gavin the Gibbon.
Then came the final act of experimental madness by Argyle. Having made it through to four minutes of added on time (which given all the “game management,” carefully faked defensive arguments and slow walks to the ball to restart play seemed about eight minutes short) Issaka chased out yet another clearance from the box, headed into midfield and raced to beat Paal to the ball.
In my match preview I discussed the value of going for the win, over holding for a draw. Issaka, had he won the ball was free and running on the Rangers goal for a heroic potential winner. He was however, nowhere near the ball and even though Paal effectively kicked into his studs it was by any definition a bad challenge and a definite red card. No hesitation from Gav either. A quick look round to make sure Gyabi and Cissoko were both still subbed and out with the hat-trick red card. No more confusing black dudes in green.
Still time for Gav to make sure he got his full complement of stars from mum on his fridge, with a pointless ninety-fourth minute card for Hazard for time wasting (job done Conor) but Argyle proved nine men was still enough for a point. Next season will be interesting as to whether we start removing players at ten-minute intervals after half time.
In the end then a good point but can we just find some referees that apply the rules AND common sense. Gav didn’t get any of the big calls wrong, but let’s face it, they weren’t hard calls. Given the last time he reffed us we ended up with two players hospitalised in the first half (one concussion, one missing enough skin from his leg he needed a skin graft and yet the only player he sent off was in the second half for a deliberate handball second yellow) are we supposed to be grateful he takes time out of his weekend to ruin ours.
Rangers will be as frustrated as we were delighted with the point.
Their new giant Danish lego constructed midfielder started well but drifted out of the game. If that’s what two million gets you we had better hope we can get Steve Martin as Dr Hfuhruhurr to install Adam a new brain pronto.
Rumours too that Chair may be heading to Leeds (do they have an open prison there?) as Rangers seek to balance their books after some chunky spending. Next up for them, first ever plastic pitch opponents Luton Town.
Argyle travel back to the South East in the competition designed by the EFL to replace reserve team leagues, the Carabao Cup and Luton’s deadly rivals, Watford.
Given David Norris and Finn Azaz both scored their final Argyle goals against Watford, you can make an argument for resting Hardie and Whittaker, with the proximity of the window, and it is highly likely Dan Grimshaw will make his Argyle debut after signing from Blackpool.
The Hornets, all Z Cars themed run out and Elton John playlists, have started the season with four straight wins. This despite the seemingly endless gutting of the squad by the unloved Pozzo family, whose football empire defies all accounting logic. They too will probably field a second string, so expect the charmingly nicknamed Rajovic (the Bog Owl) to lead the line.
As a competition the Carabao has been so devalued by the late entry of the so-called big sides it is hard to get too excited about a cup run here, unless we actually have one. Our only previous game in this tournament against Watford was a turn of this century one-nil defeat, but as we know to our cost, they tend to be an insurmountable obstacle in latter cup rounds so to quote Macbeth
“If it were done when ’tis done, then ’twere well
It were done quickly:”
No Forshaw, for sure. Issaka can catch up on his homework. Not sure who Gavin has got for this round. It isn’t us and that is all that matters.
A free hit so will it be Love Herts, or Herts attack stuff
COYG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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