What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
A kangaroo is an Australian marsupial, whilst a kangaroot is a Geordie stuck in a lift.
A kangaroo is an Australian marsupial, whilst a kangaroot is a Geordie stuck in a lift.
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- Thread starter mervyn
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I bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door.
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The waiter brings him the sandwich. The panda bear eats it, pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter, and gets up and starts to walk out. The bartender yells for him to stop.
The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.” The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:
“Panda: a bear species originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white appearance. Eats shoots and leaves."
The panda bear asks, “What do you want?” The bartender replies, “First you come in here, order food, kill my waiter, then try to go without paying for your food.” The panda bear turns around and says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The bartender goes into the back room and looks up panda bear in the encyclopedia, which read:
“Panda: a bear species originating in Asian regions. Known largely for it’s stark black and white appearance. Eats shoots and leaves."
On a good day you can see some of Liverpool from the top of Snowdon.
On a bad day you can see all of it.
On a bad day you can see all of it.
Vladimir Putin calls on of his generals. He says, "I hear that our soldiers are having trouble grasping their weapons. Their gloves are too slippery. We need to give them better gloves. Gloves are really good for grasping."
The general replies "Yeah. I know this company called RaRa. They're really good at making non-slip gloves".
Putin: "Excellent. I want them to design a new machine to make the best grasping gloves in all of Russia."
General: "You got it boss."
Putin: "Oh, and I want the project to be named after myself because it was my idea."
General: "No problem."
So, time passes, and finally the new glove machine is built. At the inauguration there is a giant banner that reads:
"RaRa's Grasp-Putin. Russia's Greatest Glove Machine"
The general replies "Yeah. I know this company called RaRa. They're really good at making non-slip gloves".
Putin: "Excellent. I want them to design a new machine to make the best grasping gloves in all of Russia."
General: "You got it boss."
Putin: "Oh, and I want the project to be named after myself because it was my idea."
General: "No problem."
So, time passes, and finally the new glove machine is built. At the inauguration there is a giant banner that reads:
"RaRa's Grasp-Putin. Russia's Greatest Glove Machine"
A large hole appeared outside the police station last night. The police are looking into it.
While they were doing that someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. A police spokesperson said they are looking for leads but at the moment they have nothing to go on.
My pony had to have an operation on his throat today. The vet says he's a little hoarse but he's in a stable condition.
I took out a great book on lubricants from the library yesterday. Found it in the non friction section.
I found a great new use for a stale baguette, I use it to scrub my back in the shower. It's a loofah bread.
When I was a kid the invisible man called at our house. I told my dad and he just said "tell him I can't see him"
While they were doing that someone broke into the police station and stole all the toilets. A police spokesperson said they are looking for leads but at the moment they have nothing to go on.
My pony had to have an operation on his throat today. The vet says he's a little hoarse but he's in a stable condition.
I took out a great book on lubricants from the library yesterday. Found it in the non friction section.
I found a great new use for a stale baguette, I use it to scrub my back in the shower. It's a loofah bread.
When I was a kid the invisible man called at our house. I told my dad and he just said "tell him I can't see him"
A hotel guest called our front desk and our clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The woman says, "Yes, I'm in room 214. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my husband and he says he's going to jump out the window.
Our desk clerk says, "I'm sorry ma'am, but that's a personal matter.
The woman replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open…. that's a maintenance matter."
The woman says, "Yes, I'm in room 214. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my husband and he says he's going to jump out the window.
Our desk clerk says, "I'm sorry ma'am, but that's a personal matter.
The woman replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open…. that's a maintenance matter."
" Mick , i invited Shamus home for dinner last night......."
" So very nice of you Paddy......."
" Yeah , well we entered and i told Irene "
" You bar steward Paddy....I have a headache, my hair is a mess, i have not done the vacuuming, the beds are still unmade, I still have my pajama's on, and you were at the pub all day drinking with Shamus when you promised to wash the car and mow the lawn, besides that, i do not feel like cooking tonight, why did you do this to me....".
" Well, it's like this Irene my darling, Shamus is thinking about proposing to Penelope, and i wanted to give him an insight into what married life is all about "......
" So very nice of you Paddy......."
" Yeah , well we entered and i told Irene "
" You bar steward Paddy....I have a headache, my hair is a mess, i have not done the vacuuming, the beds are still unmade, I still have my pajama's on, and you were at the pub all day drinking with Shamus when you promised to wash the car and mow the lawn, besides that, i do not feel like cooking tonight, why did you do this to me....".
" Well, it's like this Irene my darling, Shamus is thinking about proposing to Penelope, and i wanted to give him an insight into what married life is all about "......
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside.
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an ass***. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-a** decision or that the coach is a poo**** is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
And asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue,
curse the umpire, or call him an ass***. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play,
it's not a dumb-a** decision or that the coach is a poo**** is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”