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New jokes appreciated
- Thread starter mervyn
- Start date
Knowing which joke it was I think that was the right call.I would remind ALL posters on this thread, it's probably best to think before you post something when you've imbibed a few.
I took one off this morning and it certainly pushed any known boundaries of this site. Just be careful.
On the plus side the my wife left me because I am too needy is the best one liner I have heard/read for a long long time.
If I drank coffee I would have spat it out
But hey, I did make it up about fifty years ago. It was different times, dude...I would remind ALL posters on this thread, it's probably best to think before you post something when you've imbibed a few.
I took one off this morning and it certainly pushed any known boundaries of this site. Just be careful.
Just kidding. I was pretty much expecting it to go - although I do think it was a damn good pun that a teenaged MickyD came up with, if I do say so myself.
Woman stops 12 ft gator with .22 pistol!
"Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"
"Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a small .22 caliber Ruger Pistol." Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words: "While walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in the Villages discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.
It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.
"If I had not had my little Ruger 22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.
The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!"
For his birthday, I bought my mate an Elephant for his room.
He said thanks very much
I said don't mention it.
He said thanks very much
I said don't mention it.
Anyone know how Liz Truss' 1st day at Crowdstrike went ?
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And Finally A Blonde Joke I’ve Not Heard Before
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. “You ok?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says. ‘Why’s that sweetie?’ says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, “Because I’m the Goalie !”
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball.
She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. “You ok?’ she says. ‘Yes.’ he says. You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says. ‘It’s best I stay here.’ he says. ‘Why’s that sweetie?’ says the blonde. The boy looks at her incredulously and says, “Because I’m the Goalie !”
I've got a date with a girl who identifies as a wheelie bin but I can't remember if I'm taking her out on Tuesday or Wednesday.
This might not work written down but genuinely made me 'lol' when I heard it ....
"I'm very disappointed in my four-year old son. I'm trying to teach him a foreign language but he can't even say 'Please' in Spanish!" ..... "I think that's poor for four"
.
.
.
Por Favor? ..... Oh please yerselves
(said in a Frankie Howard voice).
"I'm very disappointed in my four-year old son. I'm trying to teach him a foreign language but he can't even say 'Please' in Spanish!" ..... "I think that's poor for four"
.
.
.
Por Favor? ..... Oh please yerselves
(said in a Frankie Howard voice).
Chap gets on a plane, long haul, and finds himself sitting next to the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. She ignores him for the entire flight, with her nose buried in a book, until coming in to land she turns to him and says ‘sorry I’ve been so unfriendly, but I’m an anthropologist and I’ve been reading an amazing treatise on mens’ penises. Apparently the race with the longest ones are North American red indians, and the thickest are possessed by men from Poland’.
‘Good heavens’ says the chap. ‘Oh and allow me to introduce myself, Tonto Kanchelski’.
‘Good heavens’ says the chap. ‘Oh and allow me to introduce myself, Tonto Kanchelski’.
I saw an old woman talking to her cat yesterday. I honestly believe she thinks it understands her.
I went home and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
I went home and told my dog. We laughed a lot.
In a move that's expected to save the UK economy up to £50 million per year, Mercedes will now produce vans for Amazon with the dents and scratches pre-installed.
I've had to leave my job at the cattery.
They reduced meowers.
They reduced meowers.
On that note, I can't tell you who, but a friend of mind, once asked me how much I thought it would cost to put his pet rat in a rattery.
I asked him where the hell is there such a thing, and told me that there is one on the way down from Exeter to Plymouth.
Then I realised he was thinking of the village 'Rattery'.
As I say I can't tell you who it was but he was a lot younger then and he still does the trip most games.
I asked him where the hell is there such a thing, and told me that there is one on the way down from Exeter to Plymouth.
Then I realised he was thinking of the village 'Rattery'.
As I say I can't tell you who it was but he was a lot younger then and he still does the trip most games.
Two Germans walk into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, “Two martinis, please.”
The barman asked, “Dry?”
To which the customer replied, “Nein! Zwei!”
The barman asked, “Dry?”
To which the customer replied, “Nein! Zwei!”