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New jokes appreciated

Getting back on my feet after covid, and to cheer me up the family has been ringing me with silly jokes. None has hit the mark so far, although this one’s the nearest.. A vicar, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar. The barman says ‘ we don’t usually get rabbits in here’. The rabbit says ‘well actually I’m only here because of autocorrect’.

Surely someone can improve on that.
 
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Alan Turing

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Jul 24, 2010
1,857
257
59
Mutley
Back in the days when cold telephone calling was still allowed, a window salesman called a random number and a little boy answered -
Boy: (whispers) Hello?
Salesman: Hello mate, is your Mum around please?
Boy: (whispers) She’s busy.
Salesman: Ok, can I speak to your Dad please?
Boy: (whispers) He’s busy.
Salesman: Is there another adult in the house?
Boy: (whispers) A policeman.
Salesman: A policeman?! Can I speak to him then please?
Boy: (whispers) He’s busy.
Salesman: Everyone’s very busy in your house, what are they all doing?
Boy: (whispers) Looking for me.

(I’m here all week)
 
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Sep 2, 2008
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Womans Diary - Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him in the bar, thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud, I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.
He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself, he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in. He hesitated but followed.
I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.
He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we made love although he still seemed distant and a bit cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else?







Mans Diary - Saturday
Argyle lost!!! Gutted😞 Got a sh*g though!
 
Mar 30, 2005
62
40
74
Perth, Western Australia
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from her shower, she stood in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it wasn't so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day, take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
Willing to try anything, she grabs a piece of toilet paper and standing in front of the mirror, rubs it between her breasts.
"How long will this take?" she asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.
She stopped and looked at him.
"Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says, "Look what it did for your ass!"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.
 
Mar 30, 2005
62
40
74
Perth, Western Australia
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too ... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other look. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom ... wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours!"
 
Mar 30, 2005
62
40
74
Perth, Western Australia
In Inverness a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.
The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.
So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of butter".
To his surprise, the customer was standing right behind him.
So the boy added immediately, "An is gentleman wants to buy the other half".
After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time.
Where do you come from?"
To this the boy said, "I come from Glasgow. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!"
The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Glasgow".
To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"
Moral:-
Presence of mind helps, Never Panic,
There's always a solution!
 

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